Taking Charge... Training the Ears and Hearts

A dear pastor and counselor to my husband and me said many things over the course of our times together that come to mind on a regular basis. These days, the words which struck me so at the time ring true and apply so well to what's happening here on the home front.

I was such a mess, told him I just wanted to feel better! And he quickly, lovingly, yet firmly interrupted and said "... and you're not *going* to feel better until you take charge."

I posted on Facebook yesterday that I am establishing Ground Zero. This was my plan of action for wherever we ended up once we moved out of my parents' house. I didn't get right on it because we needed some time to transition to being here, but the time has come! We can't make up for 13 years of neglect and abuse, but we can be deliberate about getting a handle on it now and bringing healing to all of our past hurts. Thanks be to God for sending a Savior in our place, that through His bloody death and glorious resurrection we can be forgiven for the hurt we cause others and we can all be healed of the hurt we have endured. I promised some time ago that I would write about the time and events to fill in the gap in my blog; this too will come in time, and now I find I may have a new purpose for which to write it... more about that as it happens.

For the time being, I will give this definition: Ground Zero is a controlled environment, limited to what I am able to handle and supervise, in which I will be working closely with the children on growing relationships. This will be done through the learning together of new habits in a positive way (as opposed to the insanity of imposing unreasonable expectations, not following through, then getting angry and frustrated when they are not met... in which scenario all parties lose and grow apart, NOT together). This is nothing more earthshaking than following the advice the dear Mrs. Donna Preus gave her children as they got older whenever they would leave the house, "Remember that you are a Christian." I have taken to using this simple reminder to my own children of late, replacing the former methods of a look of scorn and disapproval, raising my voice, or going into a rambling lecture... all of which either attempt to invoke shame in order to get the desired behavior, or invite the listeners to tune Mom out, as she sounds like the Charlie Brown's kindergarten teacher: "Wah, wah, wah, wah..." I know, I know, what took me so long, right? I thank a fellow mom of many for the reminder on a recent email post as well... she says she realized several years ago how much better it is to nip things in the bud rather than be "nice" and wait till you get angry to do something firm about it. Duh, right? Well, I happen to be the chief of sinners, so for stubborn little me... notsomuch.

I realize also that I had such an immense load of stress on so many fronts, with so little in the way of active support and help (not to speak of the fact that I wasn't too skilled at accepting help when it *was* offered), it is no surprise to find casualties within our family relationships. Ahem, or lack thereof. A friend of mine likened rounding up children to herding cats. Think about that for a moment! Amusing, eh? More embarrassing if you are the one doing the herding and looking like a fool! This simile extends to the relational health of our family as well, and I find myself thinking of Jesus' words "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow Me."

My dear husband recently, and very tenderly, entreated our children to attend their ears to the voice of their mother, and follow it as though it were the flute of the Pied Piper of Hamelin. It was a sweet thing to say, but I know it in not in fact MY voice with which we are really to be concerned. No, it is Jesus we want them to know and follow. This all explains very well why my cat-herding efforts, literal or relational, are an exercise in futility if it is fact MY voice to which I expect them to listen. My efforts to train my children's ears bear fruit when it is in fact a part of training their hearts to the voice of Jesus. When I expect them to obey and remind them that it is not ME they must obey, ultimately, but their Heavenly Father who loves them enough to sacrifice His Son for them (and ME) and has given them parents to be in authority over them for their good... then and only then do I see the sweet fruit come forth. Otherwise all is meaningless, in the scheme of eternity, a chasing after the wind.

Yesterday's tasks accomplished: all children except the two youngest now sleep in the living room, the baby woke in the night and was allowed to go back to sleep without nursing (she didn't even cry, a blessing!) then slept the rest of the night. Today's tasks accomplished: the children and I made a day trip to the city (1 1/2 hours one way) during which we lunched with the grandparents, I only had to pull over once for screaming (the child, not me)and stayed calm because I pulled over right away instead of waiting for the last nerve to be gone, this evening I was calm and matter of fact with consequences following certain actions at bedtime, the result of which was 9 sleeping children before 8:30... as opposed to any from the 2yo up being awake and horsing around well into the night because they were in all corners of the house. For the second night in a row, my husband and I had a pleasant wind-down chat after the children were asleep. Okay, we're up too late, but it's been so nice it's hard to bring it to an end. Believe it or not, we enjoy sitting and talking with each other!

God be praised for His mercy and grace through our trials, without which I would still be the quivering mass of self-hating half-molten jello I was only three years ago.