A dear pastor and counselor to my husband and me said many things over the course of our times together that come to mind on a regular basis. These days, the words which struck me so at the time ring true and apply so well to what's happening here on the home front.
I was such a mess, told him I just wanted to feel better! And he quickly, lovingly, yet firmly interrupted and said "... and you're not *going* to feel better until you take charge."
I posted on Facebook yesterday that I am establishing Ground Zero. This was my plan of action for wherever we ended up once we moved out of my parents' house. I didn't get right on it because we needed some time to transition to being here, but the time has come! We can't make up for 13 years of neglect and abuse, but we can be deliberate about getting a handle on it now and bringing healing to all of our past hurts. Thanks be to God for sending a Savior in our place, that through His bloody death and glorious resurrection we can be forgiven for the hurt we cause others and we can all be healed of the hurt we have endured. I promised some time ago that I would write about the time and events to fill in the gap in my blog; this too will come in time, and now I find I may have a new purpose for which to write it... more about that as it happens.
For the time being, I will give this definition: Ground Zero is a controlled environment, limited to what I am able to handle and supervise, in which I will be working closely with the children on growing relationships. This will be done through the learning together of new habits in a positive way (as opposed to the insanity of imposing unreasonable expectations, not following through, then getting angry and frustrated when they are not met... in which scenario all parties lose and grow apart, NOT together). This is nothing more earthshaking than following the advice the dear Mrs. Donna Preus gave her children as they got older whenever they would leave the house, "Remember that you are a Christian." I have taken to using this simple reminder to my own children of late, replacing the former methods of a look of scorn and disapproval, raising my voice, or going into a rambling lecture... all of which either attempt to invoke shame in order to get the desired behavior, or invite the listeners to tune Mom out, as she sounds like the Charlie Brown's kindergarten teacher: "Wah, wah, wah, wah..." I know, I know, what took me so long, right? I thank a fellow mom of many for the reminder on a recent email post as well... she says she realized several years ago how much better it is to nip things in the bud rather than be "nice" and wait till you get angry to do something firm about it. Duh, right? Well, I happen to be the chief of sinners, so for stubborn little me... notsomuch.
I realize also that I had such an immense load of stress on so many fronts, with so little in the way of active support and help (not to speak of the fact that I wasn't too skilled at accepting help when it *was* offered), it is no surprise to find casualties within our family relationships. Ahem, or lack thereof. A friend of mine likened rounding up children to herding cats. Think about that for a moment! Amusing, eh? More embarrassing if you are the one doing the herding and looking like a fool! This simile extends to the relational health of our family as well, and I find myself thinking of Jesus' words "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow Me."
My dear husband recently, and very tenderly, entreated our children to attend their ears to the voice of their mother, and follow it as though it were the flute of the Pied Piper of Hamelin. It was a sweet thing to say, but I know it in not in fact MY voice with which we are really to be concerned. No, it is Jesus we want them to know and follow. This all explains very well why my cat-herding efforts, literal or relational, are an exercise in futility if it is fact MY voice to which I expect them to listen. My efforts to train my children's ears bear fruit when it is in fact a part of training their hearts to the voice of Jesus. When I expect them to obey and remind them that it is not ME they must obey, ultimately, but their Heavenly Father who loves them enough to sacrifice His Son for them (and ME) and has given them parents to be in authority over them for their good... then and only then do I see the sweet fruit come forth. Otherwise all is meaningless, in the scheme of eternity, a chasing after the wind.
Yesterday's tasks accomplished: all children except the two youngest now sleep in the living room, the baby woke in the night and was allowed to go back to sleep without nursing (she didn't even cry, a blessing!) then slept the rest of the night. Today's tasks accomplished: the children and I made a day trip to the city (1 1/2 hours one way) during which we lunched with the grandparents, I only had to pull over once for screaming (the child, not me)and stayed calm because I pulled over right away instead of waiting for the last nerve to be gone, this evening I was calm and matter of fact with consequences following certain actions at bedtime, the result of which was 9 sleeping children before 8:30... as opposed to any from the 2yo up being awake and horsing around well into the night because they were in all corners of the house. For the second night in a row, my husband and I had a pleasant wind-down chat after the children were asleep. Okay, we're up too late, but it's been so nice it's hard to bring it to an end. Believe it or not, we enjoy sitting and talking with each other!
God be praised for His mercy and grace through our trials, without which I would still be the quivering mass of self-hating half-molten jello I was only three years ago.
26 October 2010
18 October 2010
Rest for the Weary... (sigh)
So tonight I try again. After a day of little accomplishment-- more accurately, MOM TOOK A BREAK!, I have rearranged some sleeping quarters and hope to get to bed tonight asap. Praying for the little one to sleep longer and my patience to hold out if I let her settle herself a little instead of taking her immediately to bed. I've had my cup of sleepytime tea, and if the rest of the gang cooperates, maybe I can go to bed now!
Mom. Needs. Sleep. Preferably a lot of it. And consecutive.
Stay tuned.
P.S. If you happen to have a great trick to help me out, do share!
Mom. Needs. Sleep. Preferably a lot of it. And consecutive.
Stay tuned.
P.S. If you happen to have a great trick to help me out, do share!
Seizing the day... or what's left of it, anyway!
I still have yet to have a full night's sleep since we came to this place. The little one is up at least twice a night again. And the 2yo and 4yo take turns getting up at night as well. Ahh, transitions to the new environment. Not that the older ones aren't having some trouble as well... last night they ALL camped out in the living room!
Still, though a rough night made for a slow morning, my attitude has not changed. Was going to make fish and scrambled eggs for breakfast, but no... getting into the kitchen at 8:30 am to start, I spontaneously changed that menu to hot dogs (from last night's cookout), baked beans, and the rest of Saturday's birthday cake. ;o) Now it's 9:30, and instead of the original plan to go to the library, we will be hanging out here all day. It may take me till the afternoon to get the motivation and energy worked up to do it (especially having eaten that kind of food for the third day! Not used to that, LOL) but I have sorting and cleaning and laundry to do!
It is still a strange place to be, not knowing what will be happening even a week from now. Funny, in a Bible class Marc talked about Abram and Lot, and not knowing where they were going. And a man in the parish pointed out, "Well, Pastor, isn't that what you are doing right now? You and your family came here not knowing what you are getting into and what happens next." That is so true. It is nice to have it acknowledged, I guess, because there is a certain amount of anxiety that could go with this... I continue to pray for Marc, because it crops up more with him, understandably. I am humbled by the peace I continue to have with this whole thing. Whatever does happen next, here or somewhere else, or if there is nothing at all and we have to figure it out ourselves... all is for good, and God knows. That is enough for me.
There is a prayer our family has used in our devotions; it has been a favorite for Marc and me, and of late is is all the more appropriate:
"Lord God, you have called Your servants to ventures of which we cannot see the ending, by paths as yet untrodden, through perils unknown. Give us faith to go out with good courage, not knowing where we go but only that Your hand is leading us and Your love supporting us; through Jesus Christ, our Lord." (LSB, pg. 311)
Still, though a rough night made for a slow morning, my attitude has not changed. Was going to make fish and scrambled eggs for breakfast, but no... getting into the kitchen at 8:30 am to start, I spontaneously changed that menu to hot dogs (from last night's cookout), baked beans, and the rest of Saturday's birthday cake. ;o) Now it's 9:30, and instead of the original plan to go to the library, we will be hanging out here all day. It may take me till the afternoon to get the motivation and energy worked up to do it (especially having eaten that kind of food for the third day! Not used to that, LOL) but I have sorting and cleaning and laundry to do!
It is still a strange place to be, not knowing what will be happening even a week from now. Funny, in a Bible class Marc talked about Abram and Lot, and not knowing where they were going. And a man in the parish pointed out, "Well, Pastor, isn't that what you are doing right now? You and your family came here not knowing what you are getting into and what happens next." That is so true. It is nice to have it acknowledged, I guess, because there is a certain amount of anxiety that could go with this... I continue to pray for Marc, because it crops up more with him, understandably. I am humbled by the peace I continue to have with this whole thing. Whatever does happen next, here or somewhere else, or if there is nothing at all and we have to figure it out ourselves... all is for good, and God knows. That is enough for me.
There is a prayer our family has used in our devotions; it has been a favorite for Marc and me, and of late is is all the more appropriate:
"Lord God, you have called Your servants to ventures of which we cannot see the ending, by paths as yet untrodden, through perils unknown. Give us faith to go out with good courage, not knowing where we go but only that Your hand is leading us and Your love supporting us; through Jesus Christ, our Lord." (LSB, pg. 311)
17 October 2010
Full days... bring a good night's sleep!
So much for a post a day. Oh well, I am finding that my life is much too full and I am too busy having fun to remember to blog each day... this is, of course, a very GOOD thing.
So yesterday we had some company to celebrate three family birthdays which fall in mid-October. The kids and I took the time to shop for gifts, decorate, and clean in preparation, then we enjoyed a pizza lunch with birthday cake and ice cream. We hung out in the afternoon, then the evening was spent doing the usual Saturday evening ritual of baths/showers and getting ready for bed.
Today we relaxed after worship and Sunday School; lunch was late but no one stressed about it. There was time to talk, not push to "accomplish" anything... then later in the afternoon we got out a fire pit, still in the box, that I had bought a year ago and has sat in the moving truck for several months! Burning the dry sticks the children had gathered for me, we kept a fire going long enough to roast hot dogs and marshmallows, and had hot cider too. It was chilly out this evening, but we had a good time and even the little one was enjoying it all from her perch on my back in the Ergo.
A call is out and the man in question will be coming to visit later this week. The children know the uncertainty of our situation, and since the time we arrived their evening prayers have included the request that this congregation would vote to ask Marc their pastor. It is sweet, and it illustrates just how happy they are to be living in our own "space" and how much they are enjoying the spacious parsonage here. Not to mention the enormous yard and all the trees. ;o)
One day at a time, it's more true with every passing day. Right this minute, I really only know what the general plan is for tomorrow. That's it. Even then, I don't know yet what the day itself may bring....
And that is SO. very. okay.
So yesterday we had some company to celebrate three family birthdays which fall in mid-October. The kids and I took the time to shop for gifts, decorate, and clean in preparation, then we enjoyed a pizza lunch with birthday cake and ice cream. We hung out in the afternoon, then the evening was spent doing the usual Saturday evening ritual of baths/showers and getting ready for bed.
Today we relaxed after worship and Sunday School; lunch was late but no one stressed about it. There was time to talk, not push to "accomplish" anything... then later in the afternoon we got out a fire pit, still in the box, that I had bought a year ago and has sat in the moving truck for several months! Burning the dry sticks the children had gathered for me, we kept a fire going long enough to roast hot dogs and marshmallows, and had hot cider too. It was chilly out this evening, but we had a good time and even the little one was enjoying it all from her perch on my back in the Ergo.
A call is out and the man in question will be coming to visit later this week. The children know the uncertainty of our situation, and since the time we arrived their evening prayers have included the request that this congregation would vote to ask Marc their pastor. It is sweet, and it illustrates just how happy they are to be living in our own "space" and how much they are enjoying the spacious parsonage here. Not to mention the enormous yard and all the trees. ;o)
One day at a time, it's more true with every passing day. Right this minute, I really only know what the general plan is for tomorrow. That's it. Even then, I don't know yet what the day itself may bring....
And that is SO. very. okay.
11 October 2010
And wouldn't you know it...
Murphy's law strikes again. Start my workouts this morning, and I can't get at my guide to find out which one to do today!! Thankfully, I've done this enough times that I was able to recall it on my way to the Y. Then my tummy was acting up again (thought we'd fixed that finally!) so I couldn't eat quite on plan... all those good fibrous carbs are hard on a stomach that likes to hang on to food too long already. :oP And to top it all off, we were invited to a dinner tonight served by the church men's club, and while it was really yummy food and an enjoyable time, it consisted of: mashed potatoes, wild rice, gravy with chipped beef to pour over those two, rolls, and cake with frosting... oh, and salad. :o) sigh. I ate, I enjoyed, and I was bloated for hours afterward. Only now am I feeling empty enough to head to bed, and I seriously doubt I'll make it to the Y tomorrow. Phoo. Is someone out to sabotage my efforts, or WHAT?! Sigh.
But I remember how I'm living one day at a time, then letting it go and starting fresh. Yes, I know! Each day has enough troubles of its own!! So with that in mind, I'm at least thankful that I am sleepy and will SLEEP (not always the case) more abundantly. ;o)
But I remember how I'm living one day at a time, then letting it go and starting fresh. Yes, I know! Each day has enough troubles of its own!! So with that in mind, I'm at least thankful that I am sleepy and will SLEEP (not always the case) more abundantly. ;o)
10 October 2010
A blog post a day... keeps insanity away??
So much to say, so little time. Where to begin?
Julie Andrews' voice in my head tells me to start at the beginning, a very good place to start... but then I'd be here all night, and I just can't do that. Someday when I get that far, maybe I'll write about the gap in my blog, but right now it's just too fresh and too painful... besides, we're not really on the other side yet, so...
Today I am in my own kitchen (for now) in a parsonage in a modest sized northern city, where my husband is serving a vacancy for an unknown length of time. It is the biggest, most beautiful parsonage I have seen in my life, and I've seen a few parsonages. For being in town and only yards from the church building, it is also the most private and countryish I can imagine. Really.
Only God knows what will happen in the next couple of weeks, not to speak of months, so I am content to live one day at a time, enjoying the blessings of each day as they are granted-- and each evening, putting to rest its anxieties and looking forward to the next morning, as God's mercies are again new! Oh, wait. That's what I was supposed to be doing all along, right? No worries... I have no reason to ever live life any other way again from today forward. I have never been so calm. Thanks be to God!
Before I get carried away with all that... new life, new name, new blog. Life more abundantly, (and YES someone please correct my Greek if needed!) that's what this is about. I have no great wisdom to impart, I am in NEED of it. Be still and know that I AM God... THAT's what I'm about these days. Our family has missed out on so much in the 13 years up to now; life is too short to miss any more, and I am ready to receive life more abundantly!
Tomorrow I embark on my third go at the 12 week transformation, and this time, I WILL succeed, dv. I plan to post something every day, however insignificant, to keep myself accountable... to me! And whoever wants to come along for the ride, the more the merrier!
I anticipate my posts may make more sense as time goes on, but for now I am just doing it... it doesn't have to make sense, so long as it's being done. Get it? Good.
Julie Andrews' voice in my head tells me to start at the beginning, a very good place to start... but then I'd be here all night, and I just can't do that. Someday when I get that far, maybe I'll write about the gap in my blog, but right now it's just too fresh and too painful... besides, we're not really on the other side yet, so...
Today I am in my own kitchen (for now) in a parsonage in a modest sized northern city, where my husband is serving a vacancy for an unknown length of time. It is the biggest, most beautiful parsonage I have seen in my life, and I've seen a few parsonages. For being in town and only yards from the church building, it is also the most private and countryish I can imagine. Really.
Only God knows what will happen in the next couple of weeks, not to speak of months, so I am content to live one day at a time, enjoying the blessings of each day as they are granted-- and each evening, putting to rest its anxieties and looking forward to the next morning, as God's mercies are again new! Oh, wait. That's what I was supposed to be doing all along, right? No worries... I have no reason to ever live life any other way again from today forward. I have never been so calm. Thanks be to God!
Before I get carried away with all that... new life, new name, new blog. Life more abundantly, (and YES someone please correct my Greek if needed!) that's what this is about. I have no great wisdom to impart, I am in NEED of it. Be still and know that I AM God... THAT's what I'm about these days. Our family has missed out on so much in the 13 years up to now; life is too short to miss any more, and I am ready to receive life more abundantly!
Tomorrow I embark on my third go at the 12 week transformation, and this time, I WILL succeed, dv. I plan to post something every day, however insignificant, to keep myself accountable... to me! And whoever wants to come along for the ride, the more the merrier!
I anticipate my posts may make more sense as time goes on, but for now I am just doing it... it doesn't have to make sense, so long as it's being done. Get it? Good.
09 October 2010
Out with the old, in with the new...
New life, that is.
I am in the process of overhauling my blog. Assuming anyone is still finding it, stay tuned. Otherwise, I'll be quite content with using this as an outlet for my overflow of thoughts, ideas, emotions, and anything else that starts a-bubblin' over.
I am in the process of overhauling my blog. Assuming anyone is still finding it, stay tuned. Otherwise, I'll be quite content with using this as an outlet for my overflow of thoughts, ideas, emotions, and anything else that starts a-bubblin' over.
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