No comment? ;o)

I'm not surprised. Y'all don't know me, and even the few people who do know me don't know what to say to me when I get my undies in a bundle. Which has been happening a lot lately, I must admit.

I am thrilled when I hear of a family, pastor or otherwise, who has a healthy marriage with Christ at the center. That's really what all this boils down to, after all. Healthy families depend on a healthy marriage, which depends upon a strong foundation built on the Rock. Do you all have this? I have not.

If anyone is wondering about my posting a rant that seems to be a description of my own situation, worry not. What I described is now a thing of the past, or I wouldn't be blogging it. I couldn't while it was happening. So why bring it up now? We-ell, because I know that I am not, COULD not be the only one suffering this way, and if some lonely, miserable, put-upon wife on the verge of a breakdown such as the one I had two years ago, might possibly gain some piece of insight, some tiny wisdom in my experience, maybe that would be the impetus to spur her on to seek counsel, to talk frankly with her husband, to stop settling for a fifth-class marriage that is NOT God pleasing, all for guilting herself about wanting something more than the crumbs.

I suffered for over a decade because I refused to do anything but submit to my husband. That's what the Bible says, right? I wouldn't confront him, argue with him, insist that he take care of me, not to speak of the children. I stayed and remained a victim of abuse, I listened to and felt it. Worse, I internalized it. I didn't talk to anyone about it, because that would be betraying my husband's confidence. Besides, as he kept telling me, I was the problem anyway. I was the one who couldn't say it right, do it right, couldn't stop needing him. That was soooo unattractive, the fact that I needed him. And there wasn't anyone else to whom to turn. My long distance phone calls to the family I so missed, that he wouldn't take me to see, were soon prohibited because I talked too long. I had no friends at the seminary, not that I'd be allowed to confide in them anyway. I was an embarrassment because I did not earn a college degree, because I stopped after one year so I could prepare myself financially to be married to him and not bring with me one more debt. I was socially inept, so I could not speak to people-- I'd surely say the wrong thing and embarrass him!

Babies were born, and it was up to me to keep them quiet. If the baby cried in the night, he'd go off in a huff to sleep on the couch downstairs because *I* didn't keep her quiet. Guess what kind of a messed up mama my first couple kids got? It brings me to tears to think of it. *I* was to keep the little ones in line, whether at home or away, *I* was to keep them fed, dressed, diapered and everything else, even though I was forbidden from shopping at the grocery store after I spent "too much" to get us some fresh produce. If it wasn't at the Food Bank, we couldn't have it. And plenty of other examples of 'money' issues.

All of what was dished out to me, of course the kids started getting too. It is going to take some serious time to undo what they were trained early on.

I could of course go on, but I think I've said enough. My husband knows he's welcome to read this blog, one I never would have been permitted to keep just a short couple of years ago.

So what of all this? The root of the problem, of all the issues we have had as a married couple and as a family, is one of the heart. My husband happens to be a pastor, but I could easily point to a dozen or more folks just in our congregation who suffer from the same heart affliction. It is so very sad! And it is all the more sad for us with my husband being a pastor, because he is the one who is in the position of leading, shepherding, caring for, and nurturing all these hurting souls. Do you think a man can be a faithful pastor if he is a faithless husband and father? No way, I tell you. He can put on a good show, and the people can love him to pieces... the same people who would never believe the other side of him if they knew it. But he can't be a faithful pastor, he is only the blind leading the blind.

I thank God for HIS faithfulness, in keeping me alive and (somewhat) sane through all of this, in using me as a humble tool in His work of a heart transplant on my dear husband. It has been painful, and the healing continues to be painful at times, but I can see now why He had me stay and fight. I can see why certain people and events were put in my life at certain times.

The Lord has been there through it all, blessing us beyond what we could have imagined with a passel of healthy, wonderful sinner-saint children! He is giving back the years the locusts have eaten, and blessing them. I know this is only the beginning, and I still can't relax yet. But that's just one more reminder that my faith is not based in my husband, but in Christ alone. Praise be to HIM!

Family Comes First?

Thanks for affirming me in this, people.  I couldn't assume it as a given, because this is precisely the problem I am seeing more and more-- I see it particularly in pastors' families, but I am sure this extends to others as well.  

The idea seems to go like this:  Hubby/Dad's a pastor, which is a High Holy Calling, and since this is of course all done in the Lord's service, therefore somehow when it comes to balancing time between the parish work and the family ( I am including all aspects here), the parish comes first and the family gets what's left... assuming there IS anything left.  

Pastor X works hard, preparing sermons, Bible class material, catechism classes, etc, visits his shut-ins at least once a month faithfully, visits folks in the hospital once or twice (or more) during their stay, calls or visits or both once they are home, calls folks to check on them who seem to have gone home from a meeting disgruntled, sends cards and notes of encouragement spontaneously, makes a point of greeting every person present on Sunday mornings, etc, etc, etc.  

Tell me now, who wouldn't love to have such an attentive pastor?  And this is of course on top of the fact that he faithfully administers Word and Sacrament, and delivers sermons with admirable skill.

None of this is wrong, in fact it's all good stuff!  What wife in her right mind could complain, since after all, he's a wonderful pastor and therefore must be a wonderful husband too, right?  Not that it matters to the average parishioner if he's a good husband or not,  so long as he's a great PR kinda pastor; Wifey better not do anything but beam at the compliments, and throw in a few of her own, since this is The Lord's Work, you know, taking care of the sheep, and that is THE most important thing. 

 Always.

(Please, oh please, do not miss the extreme sarcasm in this post.)

Unquantifiable... but can it be qualified?

Okay, so we'll agree that how much time (in quantity) that a husband/father spends working to make a living wage is going to vary for each family.  For some, fewer actual hours "on the job" may be neccessary than for others.  Some may need to be away from the family for extended periods, and some may need to hold down more than one job to make ends meet.  

Not getting into the whole sticky debate of whether a man could/should seek other employment if in fact his family can't manage with him being gone so much, let's look at qualifying that time.

I submit that in a family of perpetual parturition, it is not feasible for a husband to *choose* to spend more time at work than is neccessary to make a living for the family and at the same time fulfill his role as husband and father.  Notice I don't draw the line at barely maintaining sanity.  No, we're talking about fulfilling-- as in FULLNESS.  

On the other hand, I recognize there are situations in which the number of hours a husband must work to make a living wage is more by neccessity.  I'll mention that again later.

As my brain has shut down for the evening, I'll have to leave it at that for now.  

zzzzzZZZZZZ

I've been busy...

... no, not working too hard, or being sick (yay!)... for a change it's all good.  My Black Bag Project is coming along as I can, but tomorrow marks the end of the second week in which I have gone swimming, every day, M-F.  Cool, huh?  

My dear sweet husband has "arranged his schedule" so that after lunch, after baby has been nursed, he stays home during nap/quiet time and I drive 15 min to a privately owned fitness center out in the country for a peaceful workout.  (Yeah, contradiction in terms, right?  But usually I'm the only one there at that time, and it's the POOL-- no sweat, literally.)

Can't say as I feel slimmer, or rather less FAT, but I feel unbelievably better already.  In fact, when I didn't go on Saturday or Sunday, I was feelin' like a workout.  Yikes!

In addition to that, after a freakish Mother's day due to a misread of a certain test done that morning, I am able to start what's called the 12 week transformation.  This from Angela, the founder of Inspiration Fitness Inc, who also hosts a free website for homeschool moms.  I'm really excited to do this!  Just hope my motivation holds out, since as you know a hundred million things can and do get in the way of any project ANY mom tries to start. ;o)  But that's why the website support group.  

Anyway, not to sound like a commercial, but for the first time I know I'm actually going to do this, because for the first time it's for ME.  And I WANT to, because I want to have energy to keep up with and enjoy my little punkins while they are still little... and someday my little grandpunkins as well!

Gifting and regifting...

I know there are other venues for this, but...

As I have frequently alluded, I am in the midst of serious decluttering of our home and its 12 years, six moves, and eight children's worth of STUFF.  I, the queen of organization and preparedness (snort, gag, cough... I'm okay now), am bit by bit working my way through all those sweet little children's clothes, and while there are pangs of sentimentality during this process, my goal is the following:  to have only one box of clothes stored for each child, containing only what that child will wear in the next year.   Sounds a lot better than my current towers of rubbermaid bins, clearly marked with NB, 0-3, 3-6, 6-9, and so on, up through size 12, in pink for the girls' clothes and blue for the boys'.

Today I have begun with my girl baby clothes.  (Ack, why start there, those are the HARDEST to give up!)  Reason being, I have two sisters both expecting girls in the next 2-4 months, and I would be a greedy big sister if I didn't pass them along, seeing how my 10mo little girl has finally outgrown her 3-6 month clothes.  She's a little bug, for sure, which makes it all the harder to see those cute little newborn outfits go, since she's only my second baby to actually be able to WEAR that size for more than a week.

Am I getting to the point, yet?  sigh.  I am up to the 18 month size girls clothes this afternoon, and am trying to decide if my bugaboo will be able to wear them within the next year.  Somehow I doubt it, since her 2 1/2 year old-- and just as petite-- sister only just grew out of them, for reasons of height, not girth.  

I can't bring myself to toss these in a black bag with the rest of the stuff I never care if I see again.  So here I ask, is there some sweet little fairy out there who would wear an 18mo size either this summer or winter who would benefit from a box of these clothes?  I'd prefer to pass them to another mom taking a leap of faith who can truly appreciate the gifting of pass-around clothing, and maybe in a year I'll see them again, if they aren't worn out first. ;)

Takers?  

Oh, and ps, I'll be continuing this treatment for baby boy clothes too.  My baby boy is 4 1/2, so there's going to be a lot there.  It's about time someone else used what otherwise would continue to sit, very organized-like, in my neatly labeled Rubbermaid boxes.  Somehow it just doesn't seem right anymore.  I mean, do I believe the Lord will provide, or don't I??