The idea seems to go like this: Hubby/Dad's a pastor, which is a High Holy Calling, and since this is of course all done in the Lord's service, therefore somehow when it comes to balancing time between the parish work and the family ( I am including all aspects here), the parish comes first and the family gets what's left... assuming there IS anything left.
Pastor X works hard, preparing sermons, Bible class material, catechism classes, etc, visits his shut-ins at least once a month faithfully, visits folks in the hospital once or twice (or more) during their stay, calls or visits or both once they are home, calls folks to check on them who seem to have gone home from a meeting disgruntled, sends cards and notes of encouragement spontaneously, makes a point of greeting every person present on Sunday mornings, etc, etc, etc.
Tell me now, who wouldn't love to have such an attentive pastor? And this is of course on top of the fact that he faithfully administers Word and Sacrament, and delivers sermons with admirable skill.
None of this is wrong, in fact it's all good stuff! What wife in her right mind could complain, since after all, he's a wonderful pastor and therefore must be a wonderful husband too, right? Not that it matters to the average parishioner if he's a good husband or not, so long as he's a great PR kinda pastor; Wifey better not do anything but beam at the compliments, and throw in a few of her own, since this is The Lord's Work, you know, taking care of the sheep, and that is THE most important thing.
Always.
(Please, oh please, do not miss the extreme sarcasm in this post.)
8 comments:
In my experience, most wives find within themselves the strength to complain. This is a great way to get Dad to want to spend more time at home.
This isn't a new problem, or getting worse. It's just new to each family as they experience it. "Family comes first" is a piece of advice my husband has received often from retired pastors ruing their mistakes. I think we're actually living at a better moment in history, when the mindset of the general population is that we work to live rather than living to work as previous generations did.
I have a lot more sympathy for wives of second career pastors than I do for those of us who knew what we were getting into when we married a pastor or seminarian, especially those of us who grew up in pastors' families.
While being thankful that you apparently know some people for whom this is not the case, I respectfully disagree with you on this one, Rebekah. I've been watching for a long time now, and talked to two counselors (one an LCMS pastor, one an LCMS pastors' wife) who have affirmed this observation.
Most certainly it is not a new problem, and there are some positive changes to what parsonage life (hah, assuming one lives in a parsonage anymore) can be as compared to an earlier time in history. However, this is one thing that is not changing-- at least not enough to save marriages and families.
As for sympathy? The reason I didn't know what I was getting into was NOT because I hadn't a clue what parsonage life was about. What happened to me can happen to any wife, whether she's married to a pastor or something else.
Job, vocation, whatever you call it... is not more important than family. Ever. And being a faithful husband, father, shepherd, etc... is not about being "right" but about being *faithful*.
Believe it or not, many, many, many, pastors, husbands, wives, teachers, plumbers, electricians, professors, DPs, presidents of church bodies do NOT get it.
Pastors, being human, can also forget about the whole vocation thing. While we laypeople get the hammer from Church Growthers that we're not working for God unless we're working for a congregation, a pastor can get caught thinking he's pleasing God because he's working in the name of the church.
Thus a pastor's wife can psych herself into submitting, not to her husband as she thinks she is doing, but to his congregation. And that's not proscribed by Scripture. :)
I'm the head of my family and yet I travel a lot. It has been a real cross to our relationship in multiple ways. It didn't help that she didn't feel like she could confess things that she had done wrong, and that was part of her perceived role to be some sort of SuperMom.
Job is a vocation. Family is a vocation. Citizen is a vocation. And we get to serve them all, as best as we can, confessing when we can't.
Thanks for your blog, Pam.
Thanks for reading, Dan.
I know that SuperMom thing so well.
Almost killed me.
Amazing to see how our theology touches every facet of our lives; that whole thing about being freed from the curse of the Law? It's for moms, too. Don't know why it took me so long to realize it, but boy oh boy is it freeing.
>>>>It didn't help that she didn't feel like she could confess things that she had done wrong, and that was part of her perceived role to be some sort of SuperMom.
Yes. This is a very real problem. Bring back formal Confession, for the sake of the women.
YESSSSSS!
Although I would say that even informal confession/absolution as we reassure one another in Christ is sorely missing from relationships.
Like I said, in my experience. I'd suggest this is because I'm from a more whiny generation than you, but somehow we are from the same generation. A whinier milieu, perhaps, or planet.
Oh, so true, Pam. So true.
And you know, wifey had better not complain....because it's the Lord's work! Who can complain against God?
(That too, is sarcastic, but not bitter.) I've been there, and am thankful to not be any longer. :)
So glad for your new life. You're a treasure, Pam.
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