No comment? ;o)

I'm not surprised. Y'all don't know me, and even the few people who do know me don't know what to say to me when I get my undies in a bundle. Which has been happening a lot lately, I must admit.

I am thrilled when I hear of a family, pastor or otherwise, who has a healthy marriage with Christ at the center. That's really what all this boils down to, after all. Healthy families depend on a healthy marriage, which depends upon a strong foundation built on the Rock. Do you all have this? I have not.

If anyone is wondering about my posting a rant that seems to be a description of my own situation, worry not. What I described is now a thing of the past, or I wouldn't be blogging it. I couldn't while it was happening. So why bring it up now? We-ell, because I know that I am not, COULD not be the only one suffering this way, and if some lonely, miserable, put-upon wife on the verge of a breakdown such as the one I had two years ago, might possibly gain some piece of insight, some tiny wisdom in my experience, maybe that would be the impetus to spur her on to seek counsel, to talk frankly with her husband, to stop settling for a fifth-class marriage that is NOT God pleasing, all for guilting herself about wanting something more than the crumbs.

I suffered for over a decade because I refused to do anything but submit to my husband. That's what the Bible says, right? I wouldn't confront him, argue with him, insist that he take care of me, not to speak of the children. I stayed and remained a victim of abuse, I listened to and felt it. Worse, I internalized it. I didn't talk to anyone about it, because that would be betraying my husband's confidence. Besides, as he kept telling me, I was the problem anyway. I was the one who couldn't say it right, do it right, couldn't stop needing him. That was soooo unattractive, the fact that I needed him. And there wasn't anyone else to whom to turn. My long distance phone calls to the family I so missed, that he wouldn't take me to see, were soon prohibited because I talked too long. I had no friends at the seminary, not that I'd be allowed to confide in them anyway. I was an embarrassment because I did not earn a college degree, because I stopped after one year so I could prepare myself financially to be married to him and not bring with me one more debt. I was socially inept, so I could not speak to people-- I'd surely say the wrong thing and embarrass him!

Babies were born, and it was up to me to keep them quiet. If the baby cried in the night, he'd go off in a huff to sleep on the couch downstairs because *I* didn't keep her quiet. Guess what kind of a messed up mama my first couple kids got? It brings me to tears to think of it. *I* was to keep the little ones in line, whether at home or away, *I* was to keep them fed, dressed, diapered and everything else, even though I was forbidden from shopping at the grocery store after I spent "too much" to get us some fresh produce. If it wasn't at the Food Bank, we couldn't have it. And plenty of other examples of 'money' issues.

All of what was dished out to me, of course the kids started getting too. It is going to take some serious time to undo what they were trained early on.

I could of course go on, but I think I've said enough. My husband knows he's welcome to read this blog, one I never would have been permitted to keep just a short couple of years ago.

So what of all this? The root of the problem, of all the issues we have had as a married couple and as a family, is one of the heart. My husband happens to be a pastor, but I could easily point to a dozen or more folks just in our congregation who suffer from the same heart affliction. It is so very sad! And it is all the more sad for us with my husband being a pastor, because he is the one who is in the position of leading, shepherding, caring for, and nurturing all these hurting souls. Do you think a man can be a faithful pastor if he is a faithless husband and father? No way, I tell you. He can put on a good show, and the people can love him to pieces... the same people who would never believe the other side of him if they knew it. But he can't be a faithful pastor, he is only the blind leading the blind.

I thank God for HIS faithfulness, in keeping me alive and (somewhat) sane through all of this, in using me as a humble tool in His work of a heart transplant on my dear husband. It has been painful, and the healing continues to be painful at times, but I can see now why He had me stay and fight. I can see why certain people and events were put in my life at certain times.

The Lord has been there through it all, blessing us beyond what we could have imagined with a passel of healthy, wonderful sinner-saint children! He is giving back the years the locusts have eaten, and blessing them. I know this is only the beginning, and I still can't relax yet. But that's just one more reminder that my faith is not based in my husband, but in Christ alone. Praise be to HIM!