Sick and Tired

I am sick of being tired, and I am tired of being sick.

There is no wisdom for me to bestow on this topic, rather, I am open to any suggestions I haven't already tried for fighting these two my greatest enemies when it comes to getting things done and feeling well.

Sick... maybe this isn't something other moms have to deal with the way I have, but when I'm doing a job that is challenging enough for someone who is WELL (my dear husband vouches for this, as he found out the couple of times he's had the kids alone for a few days-- and that's without the baby), then what of me when I am not? I'll tell you what, I just make it through the best I can. Migraine headaches, hypo- or hyper- thyroid symptoms, hypoglycemia, chronic digestive illness... the days I feel well are far outnumbered by the days when something is making me sick. Throw in on top of that sinus headaches and infection, bladder infections, and you've got a smorgasbord of answers when someone (like my sweet unsuspecting husband) unwittingly asks the innocent question,"How are you feeling today?"

I just finally quit answering, and most mornings when my husband asks me, I say, I'll let you know when I get out of bed. ;) For quite some time now, my hands have been feeling stiff and/or cramped most of the time. I regularly wake up in the morning with them totally numb, even if I haven't slept on them funny. Often my feet feel that way too. I am beginning to think I am developing some new malady. Already I am so frustrated by the ups and downs of my thyroid (which was stable for a long time), I am seeking out an endocrinologist. Hopefully something helpful comes of that.


Tired, yeah, well, aren't we all?! For some reason I just can't accept that feeling fatigued and having no energy is an inevitable part of daily life, such that it makes the days I am NOT tired such a rare occurrence. Pregnancy, working hard without looking like it because it's internal-- I get it. Even postpartum, with the recovery time, sleep deprivation, and everything nursing a baby takes out of me-- I get it.

But what about now? For most of our marriage, there has been little time between pregnancies to think about what 'normal' might feel like, if there is such a thing, but now having 20 and 21 month stretches between the births of children 6, 7 and 8, I have to wonder. Honestly, I think the expectant state IS my normal, and my doctors have confirmed this. It's when my thyroid is most stable, and I feel my best. I know, I know, that's one of those weirdnesses too.

So I don't really know what to do with myself when I am NOT pregnant. Other than nurse current baby contentedly and wait for the next excuse to quit trying to hide my empty-momma-belly. None of this takes away from the view I have of my children, and of course I know I am supposed to be making the effort to spend more time with them/give them more attention in the "in-between" time. Somehow though, it doesn't happen. I'm always tired, I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, I muddle through the day, and strangely seem to come alive just when I should be going to bed, finally wind down to fall asleep, and start the whole crazy thing over the next day.

I know many people would dismiss my concerns with one easy cause, and hence one easy solution: "Well, you know, if you wouldn't have so many kids... if you'd at least space them farther apart... if you'd give yourself a 'break' for once!"

My response, is: Okay, and then what? Then I wouldn't be tired all the time? And all my health symptoms, both physical and emotional, would magically disappear? I really doubt it. And if it did, then is it really worth it? All the trials I have faced may not be fun at the time, and frankly it downright stinks sometimes, but that's the seemingly 'foolish' thing about faith... "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)"

How often I lament that I don't feel like I can be the mom I want to be. I want to smile, laugh, and enjoy my children both now while they are so young, and as they grow up. I want to be able to teach my girls how to be gentle and capable young women, the way I WASN'T taught. I want to teach my children the self-control I don't have, and to love one another as Christians the way I constantly fail to do.

But then again, I DO see my children loving each other, and my girls (and boys) ARE much handier in the kitchen now than I was at 21. They are generous, kind, and so very forgiving. When they are not irritating, slapping, hitting, or spitting on one another, that is. :} How have they learned any of these things? By God's grace, they learn in spite of my weakness, and in fact through my weakness. My children know that their mother is a miserable sinner and that I too struggle to do the good I want to do and fail to avoid the sin I don't want to do. They see in me a helpless sinner in need of a Savior, a redeemed sinner through the Savior Jesus Christ, and sanctified sinner/saint struggling with her own Other Mom daily... ummm, hourly!

Of course, we all know this already, right? I know it, and I need to be reminded. Often. But at the same time, how is a mom to cope who is always tired and/or sick? I am open to suggestions, especially new ones I haven't already tried. But I'm pretty sure I am going to find out that this is just one more part of life in this sin-sick world, and there isn't a whole lot more I can do about it than continue to muddle through.